Written in the Stars

“I freeze and burn, love is bitter and sweet, my sighs are tempests and my tears are floods, I am in ecstasy and agony, I am possessed by memories of her and I am in exile from myself.” 
― Francesco Petrarca

When seen through the eyes of love, everything is written in the stars.  Nothing is written.  We see what we wish, colored through filters of love.  A soul that has never known loss is vastly different from the soul that has been torn asunder.  What if we only saw through eyes of love?  How different would our world be?  Love speaks all languages, crosses divides, reaching into the depths of darkness, restores us, breaks us, frees us.  If it meant freedom, would you love with all of you?  Would you love all of you?

Beloved Self

Grant me different eyes for which to see, an open heart for which to love, a soaring spirit to embrace all things.  I do not regret the loss of my innocence.  I do not regret the demons I have known and loved, my own and others – sweet dark embraces swallowing heart, soul, identity, searing breathless seconds delicate and bittersweet, lost completely in the essence of another – I do not regret all the moments which have brought me to this moment.

Love, you are amazing, beautiful, broken.  I love you.  The deepest purest love were those moments I was yours.  And, I am…  Life is too short and love is so rare, returned or forgotten.  I no longer live with words unspoken.  Moments with you were bittersweet and beautiful.  For me, they are real.

Knowing love,
I can allow all things to come and go,
to be as supple as the wind and to face all things with great courage.
My heart is a open as the sky…

~Maya, Karma Sutra, a Tale of Love

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Awakening, A calling to the Gods – Fiction Friday

We have come to this moment, through struggle, hardship and perseverance.  Modern culture sees awakenings through the fog of fairy tales.  A princess lies sleeping, a curse lifted by true love’s kiss.  The battle hardened love struck prince kneels by her side, freeing them both when he gently lifts her into his arms and softly kisses her lips.  There is no mention of the truth behind these metaphors, the truth in awakenings.  Awakenings occur in stages, each one must be greeted, accepted and built upon for the next to occur.  And, so, it is…

The first; a winter day by the sea, grey seas, grey skies, snow, salt kisses from the gods.  Who, out of love, offer blessings that cannot be claimed without hardships.  And this child will face many before the blessings unfold, for I must be worthy.

The second;  hiding under the porch with the spiders and broken glass listening, in fear, while rage determined the course of her life, helpless and knowing all at once.  What if the other had won?  It is best I do not dwell on these things.

The third; the birth of her shadow, the small sweet boy who would follow her blind and trusting through childhood.  The boy who would become a warrior under her watchful eye.  The reason for life, before other reasons were born.

The fourth; broken, bruised, bleeding, heart and soul torn asunder, for in that moment the world had ended.  It that moment, I began again.

The fifth;  the way a demon’s kiss, darkness in love, possession kept her safe.  The way possession destroyed the last bit of her heart.  And, in doing so, reawakened my warrior’s soul and a deeper wisdom within.

There have been many such awakenings, if I choose to remember, each builds upon the last, each broken heart, each spirit soaring moment, each moment someone new sees the wings upon my back, sees who/what I am.  These moments wash away the moments of doubt, the moments I fell to earth, believing I would never again soar, never again feel the love and blessings of my gods…  Through despair, through love, through perseverance, I am the light once again.

Another Awakening comes, though – as with all things – the timing belongs to the gods alone.  It will come on the day I stand in the gap between worlds, in the darkness, in the void, the light of wings surrounding me.  In that moment, the battle in the darkness, another light will join me, another star will shine and my solitary battle will end.

For you, who are not yet the Beloved:

I wish for you a softer awakening than those I have borne.  I wish Freya comes to you, kisses your brow and opens your heart wide once again, softening those long hardened walls.  I wish for Thor to awaken your warrior, remind you of the strength and passion you once carried.  I wish for Tyr to show you the splendor of loyalty and growth that comes with serving and loving One.  I with for Loki’s laughter to lighten the burdens of your heart and free you from the darkness that holds you.  I wish for Odin to grace you with the wisdom that only comes with perseverance and acceptance of the past.  I wish for your warrior soul to see the shield maiden who awaits you.

So mote it be.

Elysium Fields

It is a five mile scenic drive from the front gate to the beginning of the estate.  There is more security here than Camp David.  There is a ten year waiting list and a grilling series of interviews and evaluations for employees.  The ‘guests’ are so exclusive Betty Ford couldn’t have come here to clean up.  This is not a celebrity detox center.  It is the world’s most exclusive sanatorium.  It is not an asylum, the guests can leave anytime they please.  It is the place where the most powerful people in the world rest, reinvent themselves or hide from the public eye.

I have been here practically forever and am still amazed at the people and things I encounter.  You haven’t seen it all and being here reminds me there is always something more to see.  Dealing with our guests is a daily adventure; our patients don’t have god complexes – They are gods.

There are a few things you should know about each guest, if you have any questions not answered in the 10 lb.-not-enough-info-to-cover-it-manual, please feel free to ask any of the staff.  There are a few things not covered in the book, as I haven’t had time to update it in the past few months.

Dion is one of our more interesting guests; On any given day you will find him surrounded by a bevy of giggling beauties all clamoring for his attention, all 300 lbs of it. He is jovial and too free with his hands, always drunk and has no idea that there is an appropriate ‘when and where’ for an orgy.  Participating in orgies is strictly prohibited.  Don’t drink the wine and don’t taunt the Maenads.

Ares is currently prohibited from the Playstation and any other video game.  Under NO circumstances is he allowed to play any version of ‘God of War’.  The last incident was rather bloody and led to a three week debate over the mythological inaccuracies.  It wasn’t a pretty sight.  If by some chance he does manage to sneak in and you catch him – Do not engage him in anyway. – Notify the orderlies immediately and if Hades is near by, let him know.

Never kill a spider on purpose.  If you can avoid it, don’t kill any spiders on the property.  It rains enough here, we don’t need it to rain inside as well.  Also, it tends to put the sisters in a rather nasty mood.  If the weavers are in a mood, Athena and Dionysus are bound to quarrel.  Wherein, things become progressively out of control.  So, no spider squashing.

Don’t wander the woods until the guests are used to you.  We have lost a few people to the fawns, nymphs and centaur.  The flora and fauna can be tempting, ask the gardener if you want a bloom and he will arrange it.  I would advise you to not pick the flowers.  Night time wanderings are restricted to the gated gardens only.  If you do choose to wander, you do so at your own risk.

A couple of little things to note:
Watch out, Eros has a silver tongue and he is a charmer, but don’t let it go to your head.
Hestia likes to handle all the finishing touches around here, most of the time she is just precious.  Stay out of her way in the kitchen.
If, by some bizarre circumstance, Cerberus ends up in the house fetch either Hades or Persephone.  Don’t interrupt him when he is eating or he is likely to eat you.  If he does want ‘affection’ remember, he is just a dog, no matter how many heads he has.
On the rare occasion Pan decides to grace us with his presence, just give in to the Pan-demonium.  (Sorry, bad pun.)
Eris, Nemesis and the Erinnyes go on tears every few years.  They are due for one.  If the main house starts shaking, just lock yourself in your room and wait out the lock down.
The Gorgons give warning before they move around the public spaces, heed it.

That covers the basics.  We really hope you enjoy your employment with us.

#FictionFridays #WritingPrompt #LifeChanges

Fiction doesn’t come easy these days.

My soul is filled with swirling complexities, emotion without word, timeless, deep, light and dark, hope and hopelessness, loss and future…  That shiver that runs through my spine in those moments we share thoughts of one another across the distance.  The violent, vibrant wound along my diaphragm when one of them pokes or prods with sticky negative energies.  The stony space surrounding my heart, empty and bleeding at the same time.  Little moments of warmth with loved ones seeking desperately to heal what isn’t ready to heal.  Those little moments of surety and peace when the Malkavian and I reach moments of shared understanding of the future that cannot be in order to break the cycles of what has been – too many lifetimes of destroying one another, of death and love lost.  The sorrow of knowing the end must happen in this life for us to return to one another in peace and love in the next one.  The weariness that seeps into my shoulders and forehead, pulling me down to the earth like a wizened crone.  The subtle vibrations along my spine, the energies the trace my wings and give them form and substance.  The softness of her lips, of her arms around me.  The sweetness of the beloved’s voice across the miles.  The fear to hope – hope for peace, contentment, adventure, and love…  Love in all its forms.

#HeartBreaksOpen

Crow, Wolf and I

Places in-between.  Dream Realms.  Dream Walking.  Lost in the Ether…

I do not know how I came to be traveling alone in the forest, this lush and verdant landscape, untouched by man.  For a while, I stay on a carpet of leaves and undergrowth.  I cry myself to sleep.  I wake to birds singing, tiny paws scurrying, branches creaking in the wind.  I cannot stay here.  I cannot lay down and die.  I must keep moving.  The wilderness is no place for a lone woman to wander.

I find a game trail and follow it.  Trails mean water.  Water means something – life, something more,  I do not remember.  I stumble across raspberry bushes; not quite ripe, tart and tangy and wet.  Thirst is my driving thought.  I follow, lose and find the game trail, hours pass before anything changes.  Trees, brush, mushrooms of the killing kind, deer tracks, rabbit, the heavy smell of musk…  Leaves part and Wolf stands before me.  What are you doing here?  Where are your people?  I have no people.  Follow me and I will lead you to the People.  Trees part and we reach a narrow river.  The water is cold, pure, the most wonderful thing I have ever tasted.   

We follow the river, Wolf and I.  When night falls, Wolf finds a tall deep hedge for us to sleep under.  He curls about me and I him.  In the morning, we catch small rainbow trout from the river and I roast them over a small fire with wild onions and herbs from the forest.  I wrap what is left in large leaves and store it in my pouch.  Crow lands beside us on a branch.  What are you doing here?  Where are your people?  I have no people.  Follow me and I will lead you to the People.  Wolf and I follow Crow down the river, over great rocks and wide shallows, deep into the wilds.  We rest against great rock walls, Wolf curled around me and I him.  Crow perches on a low rock shelf and rests.

We travel this way for many days and many nights, Crow, Wolf and I.  Time passes.  The moon passes, dies and is born again.  The forest, the river, food, sleep, time…

One day the trees open and before us lies a village filled with round bark and wood huts.  Beautiful bronzed humans are doing what humans do, laughing, working, cooking, chasing children.  I see three Northmen in the village, the people of my homeland.  A tall man with raven hair and eyes approaches me, smiling.  He leads me to a fire and beckons me to sit.  A woman brings me food.  How did you come here and  where are your people.  I have no people.  We are your people. Wolf found me and lead me to the river.  Crow found us and lead us to the village.  Wolf and Crow are my people.   Crow, Wolf and I become one of The People

Writer’s Note:  I don’t know that I would call this fiction, as it was one of the most vivid dreams I have experienced.  

#FictionFriday

Where I am Today

Day by day, I get by.  Some days I am neither here nor there.  Some days I am everywhere.  The longer the day, the more places there are for me to be.  It is so easy to get lost in the past…  Not the place I want to be.  I haven’t found the right head space to work, to plan, to create, let alone to wander the ether.  I always think the in-between spaces aren’t meant for witches in a rough mood.  It isn’t responsible behavior.  I am nothing if not annoyingly responsible.  Lessons learned in youth, and all that jazz.  Some days I look back and know – I have lived.  I have loved.  My life has never been boring, even if its left me jaded.  The future is still something to be fearful of, still something I am not ready to think of.  And the past is no place to be.  Which leaves NOW.  Mindfulness aside, now isn’t as gentle as I could make it.  Nothing is what I should…  And there I go, should’ing on myself again.

This is what NOW looks like today:

I made my choices, regardless of whether or not there were other options.  Not making a choice is a choice.  Taking the only choice is still a choice.  Doing nothing for 18 months is still a choice.  The only thing that wasn’t a choice was the PTSD.  No one willingly chooses that path.  I have choices.  Today, I chose to not overthink.  Today I chose to accept the love I am offered, be that of family or friend.  Today, I know celibacy is the wise choice, even IF there were other options.  It is a choice not to LOOK for other options.  Just as choosing to look for unhealthy options is also an option.  Which, isn’t an option, as I made a promise to someone not to look or act until a certain amount of time and circumstance had occurred.

What I ‘should’ do, other than not should on myself:

I need to keep busy.  Long stretches of time leave my brain open to wander, – like a four-year-old under Dad’s watch – my brain likes to get into things it ought not to get into.  I need to be active, do yoga, make lists, finish lists – but not beat myself up when I don’t.  I need to grab a book off the stack and read it, in no particular order and for no particular reason.  I need to play with baubles, leather and string – if only for the sake of creation – even if I think it sucks.  I need to write in my journal every damn day.

I DO manage to find three bits of gratitude every day.  I DO manage to eat and sleep every day.  (Yes, that IS an accomplishment.)  I DO manage to remember that love comes in many forms.

So, this is where I am today.

Dark Mode

Am I broken beyond repair?  Doomed to a loveless life, moving through the days, holding onto friends and family, waiting to die…  Is this what the future holds?  How did my life come to this, how did my once rich and love filled life come to this broken place?  How did we get so far from each other, so far from love?  When did it become this broken thing?

I have been living in a secret darkness for so long.  I tried, tried to speak, but he couldn’t hear me, lost in his own world, pretending I was someone else, someone he wanted me to be…  One by one my boundaries were crossed, my walls broken, my heart battered…  one by one until there was nothing left.  No hope.  Nothing.

The past two weeks, I have hit bottom once again.  The nightmares are overwhelming, the tears endless.  I wake each day and try to find something to hope for.  Yet, I despair…  Will the crying ever end?  Will I ever be able to touch, to be touched again?  Is the damage too deep?  They say time heals all wounds.  Time also destroys.

I can’t allow myself to give into the despair.  I don’t know how long I can keep it at bay.

Something got to give…  I would really like to do more than survive…